The other night I was mercilessly bombarded by commercials for
Ancestry.com, those ads where people learn something about their ancestors that they end up really proud of. I imagine a site like this won't be needed as Facebook documents the rest of our lives, our children's lives, and sooner or later starts auto-generating profiles for our long-gone ancestors.
In the end, I didn't give my own family information to the website. I don't want to know if my grandmother's claims about my ancestry is true. To be honest, I prefer the magic and mystery in imagining that I'm somehow actually related to Henry VII, Pocahontas, and my Father. Instead, I entered the birth credentials of a Snickers chocolate bar I was keeping safe for somebody (sorry, Jordan. Someone ate it). The very next day, a little green leaf appeared on Ancestry.com, and you'll never guess what I learned from there.
In a matter of days Ancestry.com unraveled the whole family tree before my eyes. Turns out the ancestral history of your typical Snickers bar is a complex web of scandalous affairs and extramarital lovechilds, real soap-opera caliber stuff. Whether it is the seductive Caramac (fathered three children); the Crunch Bar outcast (no friends or family); or the whole messy orgy involving Mr. Goodbar, Caramac and 3 Musketeers; the family legacy of a simple Hershey bar will blow your mind*.
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| Click to view full-size image (1960 x 1080). |
What do you think? I tried to cover the important ones, but are there any favorites of yours that I left out? How if your favorite related to my favorite (Snickers Bar)?
*Maybe.
If there is one thing I've learned, it's this: Hershey's is a whore.
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