The Candy Bar Family Tree (Infographic)

The other night I was mercilessly bombarded by commercials for Ancestry.com, those ads where people learn something about their ancestors that they end up really proud of.  I imagine a site like this won't be needed as Facebook documents the rest of our lives, our children's lives, and sooner or later starts auto-generating profiles for our long-gone ancestors.

In the end, I didn't give my own family information to the website.  I don't want to know if my grandmother's claims about my ancestry is true.  To be honest, I prefer the magic and mystery in imagining that I'm somehow actually related to Henry VII, Pocahontas, and my Father.  Instead, I entered the birth credentials of a Snickers chocolate bar I was keeping safe for somebody (sorry, Jordan.  Someone ate it).  The very next day, a little green leaf appeared on Ancestry.com, and you'll never guess what I learned from there.

Quotable Quotes #1

"Are you talking to a cracker?  That's weird."

The Flip Side!

Um...excuse me, Mr. Food Moves Guy.  Your sandwich is upside-down.  And is that a fish sandwich?  Gross!

Ferguson Brewing Company, Ferguson MO

There are a few things I won't tolerate from hypothetical comments, and one is negativity.  YES, it's upside-down.  YES, it's a fish sandwich (cod, in case you were curious).  NO, it's not gross...at least no more disgusting than the two of us (I can be pretty repulsive so I'm counting on you to average us out).

Yet the question remains, why is this sandwich upside-down?

Quick Tip: Avoiding Cheetos-Fingers

This quick tip was passed to me by my college roommate E. Kim, who found an elegant solution to the troublesome "Cheetos-Fingers".  Using chopsticks, the eater can munch away without fear of the embarrassing orange residue that not only gets all over the place but also alerts everyone to your possession of Cheetos.

Nice move!

If you don't know how to use chopsticks then get your shit together and learn.  If you prefer licking the flavor off your fingers...so be it.

Sandwiches and Some Math

Look at these two lovely ladies.

Honey ham, smoked turkey, sharp white cheddar, lettuce, tomato,
onion, mayonnaise, horseradish on toasted wheat bread.

I just ate both of them, but I also seized the opportunity to learn something new.  In my younger days, I would probably have just gone at these things without cutting them into smaller, more-manageable sections.  However, I've grown weary of replacing escapee ingredients ("drop-outs") and tying up both of my hands for a one-hand operation.  I grab a knife and slice it up.

But how?  Turns out we're going to use some math here, and I somehow managed to get through college without taking a math class, so...fingers crossed.

Pre-Eating while Pre-Heating

Okay, get the frozen pizza out, rip this useless box apart...fuck, I hate the plastic wrap they put around these things.  How hot does the oven need to be?  Where's that box?  Got it.  450° Fahrenheit.  Seems a bit high to me, but whatever.  Pizza on the tray, and here we go--

DAMN IT.  It's going to take forever to pre-heat, not to mention the actual cooking time.

Identifying Potato Chips

Recently I've had the good fortune of interacting with two different bags of Krunchers potato chips.  These are kettle cooked chips, which means a few things:

1. They're thicker.  You'll get more potato taste than your typical chip.
2. They're more dangerous.  Beware of jagged edges!  I suggest eating these gems one at a time to avoid "raw palate".
3. They are louder.  These are the kind of chips that wake up your roommate and startle your dog.  Exercise with caution.

The flavors I have in stock are Mesquite Bar-B-Que (a classic) and Sweet Hawaiian Onion (recent addition).  I have been pacing myself with these delicious bastards, and while enjoying a few chips I noticed myself checking each individual chip before eating it.  Then I realized, someone has to classify and categorize these babies!

Thus, Potato Chip Identification 101.

Order Up: Food Moves

Let's keep it simple, folks.  I like eating food as much as anyone; nothing profound in that statement.  Everyone loves to eat.  Even braindead zombies love a quick bite.  Over the years, however, I've found that what I enjoy about breakfast, lunch and dinner (and fourth meal) is not only what I'm eating, but how I'm eating it.

That's where Food Moves comes in.  FM is your online digest of all the techniques you'll need to navigate the culinary universe with confidence.  Silly?  Oh reery?

Have you ever order a burrito instead of burgers/fries because it's easier to eat a burrito while driving?  Nice move!

This clever eater has executed a 90°
rotation to initiate a horizontal attack on the
popsicle (a.k.a. "corn cob" approach).
Nice move!

Have you ever mixed drinks at a soda fountain to create your own unique blend?  Sure you have!  Nice move!

What about that time when you used your breadstick to scrape every last bit of the pasta sauce from the bowl. Classic food move!

The simple fact of the matter is that form and content are one and the same.  People tell me that phrase is to be applied to art, and I agree.  That's why this blog is about the Art of Eating.  Not only does this include my love of the common foods of America, but I'll also be diving mouth-first into some international cuisine to learn some customary etiquette and advanced moves from other countries.  So Food Moves is a little bit educational, too.

Eat up, readers.  The table is set.